


Je Pense À Toi

by Battle_Of_Roses



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 4+1 Things, Castiel thinks a lot, French title cause I'm fancy, Just joking just look up Je pense a toi by amadou and miriam, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:47:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26700043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Battle_Of_Roses/pseuds/Battle_Of_Roses
Summary: 4 times Castiel ponders on the relationship between Dean and him in different alternate universes and one time he acts on his own relationship.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Endverse Castiel/Dean Smith (Supernatural), Endverse Castiel/Endverse Dean Winchester, Godstiel/Alternate Dean
Comments: 2
Kudos: 49





	Je Pense À Toi

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy it! Warning for Consensual Recreational Drug Use.

Castiel is a warrior of God. 

For years and years, in countless millennia, he has fought mindless wars as been commanded in the name of God. Even as he met Dean for the first time in the darkest pits of Hell, as he led his battalion, he saw countless angels dying, falling under the hellfires, he showed no emotion. Grimly, he fought on. There was something more at stake, the prize that was to be retrieved was more important than the dead. 

Up until Dean begs him in that fake hotel room of Zachariah’s to help him save Sam, Castiel considers God to be the most important in his existence. He was an angel, and he was created to serve God after all. 

But, as things go with Dean, nothing is as it was intended to be. In that split second of rage, he clasps his hand over the Righteous Man, shutting him up. And that is how he betrays God and everything else he was meant for. 

Off-kilter, he flails to find the next thing that he’s always done to get a sense of control. And so, he observes. 

Castiel may be a warrior, but humanity has always been an interest. And who else but Dean is fit to be observed as a specimen of years of evolution. 

At first, when he starts looking at Dean, observing him from a distance, he does it so out of interest. 

He’s seen many righteous, pious human beings throughout the years. And yet, Dean has him perplexed. He curses, he drinks, he has carnal relations with people whom he does intend to marry, he is as unholy as they come. But, then again, Dean’s soul shines with his purity that should not exist with the way he acts. 

It shines with a light that almost blinds Castiel in the darkest of rooms. Sam’s soul is also pure but, there isn’t that bright calling of Castiel’s grace that exists within Dean. 

Almost unconsciously, he is drawn to stand near Dean anywhere he goes. But, soon enough, he cannot deny that there is something else than simply observing and taking pride in his creation. 

Balthazar, ever cocky and more attuned to the ways of the human, calls it a “crush”. He laughs and prods fun at Castiel when he asks for his help. 

But, Castiel can’t help but, disagree as time, as years go by. He knowingly steps within Dean’s field of space because something in him wants to be the only thing that Dean notices. He selfishly craves the attention that Dean gives to women at the roadside bars he frequents. He wants to be the man that Dean figuratively looks at when he thinks no one looks. Sometimes, he wants to be the only thing that Dean knows. 

He doesn't want to be a brother to Dean Winchester. 

Castiel grimaces at an infantile word as “crush”. What he feels for the other man, is what poets have tried to capture in their best works to their lovers, what philosophers have thought about when they have tried to quantify love, and what followers craved for when they worshipped Gods and Goddesses of love. He could move galaxies if he asked and even though Dean sometimes asks him to leave, he’ll always come back. 

He’ll always come back when Dean Winchester calls. 

I.

And therefore, it is only understandable that he notices when Zachariah whisks his charge away in a different universe where the Winchesters are not brothers, they work in the confines of an office building and the most dangerous thing is the project deadline. 

Where Dean must go, he shall follow. 

Castiel hides as he watches this Dean, who is so unlike his own, go about his day. He knows not what Zachariah has intended for Dean to realise with his charade that he’s unfolding. But, Castiel, as observant he is, is curious to know. 

He watches as Dean  _ Winch- _ Smith stresses continuously on his project deadlines until 10 at night. He fidgets with a pen and tosses it while biting his lip. The solitary light source in the room, a lamp casts yellow light over his tired face. Even as he is tired, Castiel cannot help but be drawn to the attractiveness of the man. The dress shirt and tie suit him fetchingly, even though he knows that the real one would gag at his office persona. 

He watches and wonders about whether such life would have been better for the Winchesters. Ones where they were loved as children and cherished as adults. He wonders if his Dean would have been more open if John Winchester had never existed. His mood darkens as he ruminates, and he almost misses the man’s computer pinging with a call sound. 

Suddenly, Dean’s eyes perk up. The tiredness falls away as he rushes to accept the call. 

A rush of jealousy overwhelms the angel, he has seen that look. Even in this universe, he has somebody that he’s in love with. It’s irrational for Castiel to expect that Dean won’t have somebody. Sure, Zachariah created this world but, it gained a sentience of its own when it came into existence. But curiosity burns through the jealousy, and Castiel being invisible, inches forward until he’s behind Dean’s chair looking forward to seeing his lover. 

The voice comes before the picture and when he hears, Castiel is floored. 

“Hey Babe,” Dean says. 

“Hello Dean,” the phrase comes and the angel has heard it so many times. It’s his own voice. 

The computer screen flickers and it presents an image of him. But, a different one. He’s not in his suit, but he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt and threadbare shorts. His posture is relaxed and he’s leaning back against a chair, smiling dopily at Dean. 

And Dean? He carries a similar face. 

Looking at both of them, there’s no doubt as to what’s the relationship between the two men. 

The worst part is that he knows that it’s not part of the universe that’s been created. It’s the sentient part of the world that he’s in. 

As if, it’s not an earth-shattering revelation, Dean and his clone keep on talking.

“I knew you were stressing yourself over the project. I’ve been gone 2 days and you’re killing yourself.” Not-him says. 

Immediately, Dean looks like a kicked puppy. But, Not-him continues. 

“Honey, don’t kill yourself. I want to take care of yourself alright? Now, I’ve made some green brownies and they are in the fridge if you want some to take off the edge.”

“Yes, I probably can do that.”

“Go do that.”

And just like that, he leaves on command while Castiel remains standing, wondering, no -  _ hungering.  _

Thinking, not for the first time, about what could be with him and the elder Winchester. 

II.

This time he doesn’t follow Dean because he’s standing in the middle of a road leading to nowhere, waiting. He waits for Dean and as he feels his presence, snatches him back. 

And just like that Dean looks at him, soft and open. He can feel himself reciprocate, letting the soft moment of love slowly shine in his smile. 

Dean reaches out to pat his shoulder and even though he tries not to look into Dean’s memory as human customs have taught him so. But, the recent experiences have caused a deep imprint on Dean and it is only natural that the images reverberate loudly that Castiel doesn’t even have to look into his mind. 

He sees fleeting images - a second Dean this time. Rougher, harsher with the years gone by. He sees a world torn apart with a virus but, more so with everyone turning on each other. He shivers, this was what the world looked like when Armageddon finally came. 

But, the disgust gives way to shame and sorrow and Castiel finds himself looking at a clone version of him - similar to the one he saw in the Office universe but, here it is a more self-hating version of himself who unsuccessfully tries to numb himself from the world. He may not know this self but, he still sees the blatant devotion to this revenge bent Righteous Man. 

As Dean takes his hand away, Castiel feels the guilt stifling the man from within. He’s thinking so loud that the angel doesn’t have to put it to words. 

He feels when Dean tries to put distance between them - he’s afraid of turning into another version of John Winchester and most of all, he’s afraid of making Castiel into that version of him. He’s afraid, Castiel realises, he’s afraid that even his touch could corrupt the angel. 

He feels further into the events and he sees Dean arguing passionately with his future self against sending him and the others to a trap. He is conflicted. On one hand, he knew that a general had to command his armies for the greater good but, even then he knew, that if ever, he would take Hell and Heaven altogether if it meant keeping Dean safe. 

He keeps thinking about that version of himself - all drugged out, floating in serotonin and waiting to die. He doesn’t know how he feels about that, he thinks and thinks and an uncomfortable feeling lodges in his throat. 

He recalls the feeling every time he sees Dean. And it doesn’t ease anytime soon, and over time - he’s courageous to call it love. He whispers to himself whenever the revelation comes. He may be a warrior of Heaven but, in matters of love, he chooses to retreat. 

And years and years later, when he becomes human, he’s glad that even if Castiel in that world dies, whatever small time that Castiel and that Dean had, it seemed to make the fallen angel content. 

Even in a hellish world, he’s in love.

He’s always had too much heart. 

III.

In Apocalypse World, there is no Dean Winchester but, there is a very different Castiel. 

Now, he knows that God worked in different and mysterious ways and he knew that there would be worlds that he existed without Dean. He was an angel, after all, he had lived centuries without Dean and even when Dean ceased to exist, he would live. 

And in this forsaken world where Mary Winchester refused to make an oath with Azazel, he exists in a twisted self of himself. In a world where Angels were not better than the evil of the Demons created by Lucifer himself, he gets to see what happens to him when there is no love within him. 

Through all the years that he’s been with Dean, there have been times where he’s wondered about how it would be better if he'd never raised this man out of hell, never had a profound bond with him, perhaps Dean and Sam Winchester would have been spared if they had never been born. But, the answer is here in front of him. 

There is no escaping from a painful tragic life in any way. He either dies being a twisted angel whose wings should have fallen off with the evil that marked his grace or he dies being loved even as a brother by the Winchesters. 

Even after the grief he feels, he’s glad he’s in a universe where he is loved. 

IV.

He’s seen the Winchesters through many different transformations but, there is something very off-putting about this one. 

There’s so much difference between his Dean (yes, through time, he feels that after all that he’s been through he can afford to call Dean  _ his _ ) and the other one. The most obvious being the life of comfort led by the others, there’s the air of being swaddled that he knows his Dean hates. 

Castiel imagines it is the same way the Winchesters reacted when they heard about Adam, to see a brother more loved by a father that made them into child soldiers. And of what he knows of John Winchester, he cannot help but feel a fraction of the same. 

After the other Winchesters fulfil their purpose, everyone avoids each other. There’s too much tension in the bunker involving everything that is happening and everyone chooses the Winchester method of drinking their sorrows and not to talk about anything. 

But, when the other Dean looks at him, he sees a flair of recognition of hope from somebody who’s lost a loved one. Then again, it falls apart from the blankness that Castiel is sure his face shows. 

Dean lowers his face, conflict burning in his face and mind. “I’m sorry,” he stutters “you look like somebody I know- I knew.”

“How was he like?” 

Castiel itches to know. In a universe where the Winchesters are well off and they haven’t seen as much pain, what does the Castiel of that universe look like?

The other man’s face hesitantly breaks into a smile. They both mooch off beers from his Dean’s supply and retire to the guest room and talk and talk. Hours trickle by in a way when Castiel was an angel. 

That Dean apart from his superficial differences is just as same as his own. And he tells Castiel about his own Castiel. 

And he tells the angel about how in a world where supernatural hunting was business as common as shrimping and how they had all the economy over it. He tells him about angels fighting all over the skies to seize power. He also talks about an angel who seizes power in the war and becomes overpowered and calls himself God. 

It reminds him of himself really, Godstiel. 

That Dean talks with a fondness that betrays the difference again. His Dean doesn’t talk with the same tenderness as this one does. He blushes and talks about the dominance of his God and how he mouths off his God and just calls him “Cas.”

And then he tells him about frightening moments as his world ends, as his Castiel, all cold and Godlike, is certainly not able to avoid the chaos. He breaks and talks about when his world ends, how in a fit of sacrifice, his Castiel kisses him and tries to keep him safe from harm. 

Abruptly, Castiel realises that this is another facade that the Winchester have created for themselves in this world. Instead of drowning their sorrows, they put up arrogant airs and push everyone else away. 

How had he forgotten, after all this was  _ Dean _ he was talking to. 

As he looks out the door, he sees a movement. Suddenly, he’s on his guard, for all he knows this could be Chuck. But, as he sees a familiar piece of flannel move, he realises he knows the intruder and knowing his intruder, he can hazard a guess of the sudden leave. 

“It was nice talking to you, perhaps you should get some rest. Both of you have a long journey to undertake tomorrow.”

The other Dean doesn’t question it instead he drunkenly collapses on the bed. And as Castiel leaves, he softly hears the man mumble “I miss him.”

Castiel’s heart breaks. This is how Dean looks - broken and without love. 

\+ 1

Castiel goes after Dean.  _ His Dean _ , this time. 

Castiel has always been a contemplator, but, after all this time, he is also a reactor. He has seen a lot of people die. And even though death doesn’t stick with the Winchesters, he has lost far too much to let this moment go. 

He has already told Dean that he loved him once. 

But, perhaps now he  _ needs _ to show Dean. 

He doesn’t knock but, directly steps into Dean’s room. The man is facing away from him shaking. 

“Dean..” his voice breaks. This man has always made him weak. 

“It feels weird doesn’t it, how many worlds did God make only to toy with us at the end?”

“Dean.”

“You know, I’ve always thought about us in a different life, just being normal, Sammy being a lawyer with kids and me just being there. But, I’ve always hated the thought of that because how would I meet you in that world?”

“You know Dean, I’ve seen many versions of you and me. But, us here, Dean, we are real. And I feel like I would have met you even in that universe. Dean, don’t you realise, it’s always been us, in every place, we are real.”

Dean slowly stumbles towards him and as Castiel watches him again, he is just as beautiful as the first time Castiel builds him up after hell. 

Castiel takes pride in his work and he is not better than Pygmalion to fall in love with his work. 

Dean kisses him soft and afraid, contrary to everything he’s known about the man. Dean is the contradiction, paradox, and every word in the vocabulary that he’s been trying to figure out all along. And he’ll gladly spend all the rest of the eternity observing if he gets the choice.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Well, I had this in mind for a long time! :)
> 
> I also think that Godstiel and Alternate Dean is a new ship that would sail beautifully. There's a lot of sad non-con Godstiel and I feel like we should change that. 
> 
> Have a good day/night y'all! 
> 
> Also, do comment, they make my day! Thanks for reading.


End file.
